NHL All Star Game: Team Discovered, Sedin's Implode

Yesterday was an eventful day for the inhabitants of Raleigh, North Carolina who to great surprise found that they have been fielding an NHL hockey team for the past 14 years and were hosting an All-Star weekend event.

"Its absolutely incredible," said Richard Martinez, a native of Raleigh since 1976,"I was around the city with my son and I see this huge building with the words 'Hurricanes' put up on the side. It really took me off guard."

Martinez was not alone in his sentiments. All around the arena, confused southerners were gathering in packs trying to understand how this game of 'ice hockey' was played and where their professional team had come from. Many were surprised to find that the Hurricanes had won the Stanley Cup in 2006.

"WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN," shouted one smoking hot southern belle as she coped with the madness.

The Hurricanes, formerly the Hartford Whalers, moved to Raleigh in 1997 but little has been heard from them since. With little fanfare, the team has been competing and putting on quite a show while locals stuck to their normal sports appetite of College football and Minor League Baseball. Eric Compton, 31, is the lone season ticket holder for the Hurricanes and has attended every home game since 2002.

"I'm pissed more than anything," said Compton, "the beer line was so fucking short and they used to let me sit in the locker room during intermission."

This will likely change as fans packed into the arena on Sunday afternoon to witness Team Lidstrom defeat Team Staal 11-10 in the All Star Game. Fans erupted every time Eric Staal, apparently team captain of the Hurricanes, touched the puck. When asked about the surprise spike in attendance Staal said, "about fucking time."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the puck dropped for the All-Star game it marked the first time that Swedish twins Daniel and Henrik Sedin would suit up for opposing teams since they started skating at 6-years-old. It would also be their last.

Seconds after the opening face-off, which saw both Daniel and Henrik on the ice, the twins started to skate randomly in a panicked frenzy until both of them combusted. The scene left players on both sides in shock as two piles of dust and hockey equipment lay on the ice.

"I fuck with you not, I saw this coming," said Team Captain Nick Lidstrom, a fellow Swede."I've known these guys for a long time and I always swore they were robots. Never saw either of them eat a goddamn thing and they always were talking about 're-charging' after games."

The Sedin's had played for the Vancouver Canucks their entire careers and were selected with the second and third overall picks in the 1999 NHL draft. Many NHL players, officials and fans joked throughout the weekend about the two suiting up for opposite squads and the irony of the situation. No-one was laughing after a medical crew, equipped with broom and dustpan, were sent to the ice to gather the players remains.

Many pundits have pointed an angry finger at often maligned commissioner Gary Bettman for allowing the players to be on different teams.

"They came to me before the game," said Bettman in his post-game news conference, "Desperately asking to play for the same team. I really just thought they were kidding, although they did come off rather serious."

"I can assure I am currently drafting a new rule that requires all twins, brothers and family members to play on the same team. Spontaneous combustion from twin separation is a huge killer in hockey today and it will be stopped."

Whether the blame be on the Sedin's possibly being robots or twin separation, the two will surely be missed. Especially by fellow Canuck teammate, goalie Roberto Luongo.

"I cant believe that happened. How the hell are we supposed to win the Stanley Cup now?"


_Tim Johnson

It's Pup!

Well son-of-a-bitch, if isn't my incredibly loyal readers who have spent the last two months wallowing in a deep depression with my lack of professional sport and media insight. I know, I know you weren't able to eat or sleep without my witty remarks and banter but trust me, Im back hard. (see our new facebook picture for proof)

Since Ive been gone the Eagles have executed their patented late season flop. If anyone has taken the time to listen to 610 WIP or 97.5 The Fanatic since the loss you've heard Mike Missanelli and Ike Reese convincing Eagles fans not to jump off a building or maybe convincing them the fall is not that far, whichever gets the most viewers. The same old lines have been pouring out of possibly intoxicated South Philadelphians that have been pouring out every year they end up losing.

"The guy is a BLEEPIN idiot, we need to fire him RIGHT now!"
"Vick is NOT a big game player! We've picked up another choke artist!"
"the Defense sucks and the offense was WAY overrated!"
"Take Riley Cooper to the back of the Linc and shoot him down like old yellar!"

Okay that last one was a stretch, but this is the legitimate pulse of Eagles fans after the loss. And as much as i love being cynical and pessimistic my question is, Isn't it quite an accomplishment that they ever got this far? Just take a look at this team from an honest perspective. The defense has been decimated all season and probably was never that good to begin with. Before this season fans were tempering there excitement and calling this a 'rebuilding' year for Kolb to find his groove. The offensive line was, is and has been bad all season and it was bound to be exposed in the playoffs. I understand that it was hard not to become optimistic once Vick put down the car batteries and started clowning cornerbacks but there was no way this guy was going to win a Super Bowl with the team he was working with against the Packers. The team simply was not good enough to beat a Super Bowl caliber team.

But weren't they friggin close? There's no reason to fire Andy Reid and dismantle the team. When you lose by a mere 5 points to the NFC representatives in the Super Bowl and easily could have won with the correction of a few mistakes then dammnit your not that bad a team. Vick made a big time error and even I wanted to take him out back and drown him after the incredibly dumb throw on the last play of the game but please dont compare him to Mcnabb. With a full offseason to work over the offense and ponder that mistake, he will be back in even better form next year. Add a playmaking defensive player (Asomghua!!) and get some big bodies for the O-line and this team will compete for a Super Bowl again next season.

So back away from the ledge big Lou from Federal Street the Eagles aren't that bad. Plus maybe if you lift your head and look hard enough you can see the first game of Spring Training from the top of the NHL standings. just sayin'.

_Tim Johannsen

New Semester

MONT TREMBLANT

Ok I know its been a while. I was busy/ lazy for the month or so of the Fall semester and didn't really have the energy to write. I'm back. I'm taking a few classes in journalism and thought "Hell might as well." (That's a good rhyme)

Break was fucking great. No, fucking awesome! Relaxing at home with my family was great. Playing with my nephews and chillin' with my bro. I got great Christmas presents (A NEW RED Wii!!!). New years was epic. We had like a thirty person snowball fight. Good thing 25 were on my side. We kicked their ass. Then I spent the last week of break in Canada. French Canada actually. Half assholes, half college kids. I don't understand why they hate me so much. I just want to buy a pack of cigs, not make fun of your French accent.

But anyway, the snow was great. The boarding was terrific. The beer... I couldn't get enough. But hey at least I didn't get drawn on like my piss drunk roommates (Sorry guys). And perhaps the best part was the people. Everyone in the club, I thank you all for the best week of my life. If only we had given Brett a swirley. I love being out of the US. It's such a relaxed feeling. But I'm happy to be back in the city.

Now to some Philly sports. My Packers beat the Eagles on the bus to Canada. Didn't even get to listen to it. I want to congratulate them on a great season. When I wasn't playing you I was rooting for you. Firing you defensive coordinator should help. And hopefully having Weaver back will boost your O even more. But my Pack are playing the Bears next week. Both teams are good, both teams are hot. I'm predicting a 27-14 Packers win.

And we'll play the Steelers (Though I hate to say it).

The Flyers are still killing it. Without Pronger. Our defense is stout and our offense is stacked. We play the Capitals tonight. Should be a good game. Briere got snubbed from the All-Star Game so I expect a goal or two from him. Come on Giroux is our only All-Star? We're the best team in the east. But I do love how captains pick teams in the new selection process.

I'm going to see the Fly Guys on February 3rd with my cousins. I'm fucking pumped. Maybe we'll hit up the Wing Bowl the next day. I do love watching large men shove massive amounts of food in their mouths in small amounts of time.

As for the Phils? Not much to talk about. They're pretty much set. But I'm glad to see Ben Francisco got a 1-year contract. I think he's gonna break out this season with more work. I'm still hoping we trade Blanton just for a midseason move. Amaro loves summer blockbusters. Plus I've seen Worley pitch, and he looked pretty solid. He only gave up a run or two in like six innings. And that was his first start.

I'll leave you with one thing. We can all breathe easier (no pun intended) because the Kensington strangler has been found. Check it out below.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/01/18/2011-01-18_notorious_kensington_strangler_caught_in_philadelphia_police.html

Phuck Da Bears Love Philly

J