Some hilarious shit

The Onion is a great source for news. If you like cheesin, usually at the expense of dumbass Americans and network news, then theonion.com is a website you should frequent. And today they have an article written by the Phightin's own Roy cHall-all-day. If you know anything about the Onion, you'll know that this article was definitely written by Roy himself. Peep it here.

PHUCK CONVENTIONAL NEWS OUTLETS, LOVE PHILLY

-bawn chilliam scott

The Development of Claude Giroux

I remember when Claude Giroux was first called up in late 2008-2009. His flashiness and undeniable natural ability had people buzzing about the talented young center. It only continued in our first round playoff loss to the Pittsburgh Penguins where he collected 5 points in 6 games and clowned a Penguin defensemen with his skate.

Now while I may be a sucker for French Canadians, I started to get annoyed with Claudey boy last year. He would have me absolutely baffled with triple dekes (thank you coach Bombay) one game then, in a flash, he wouldn't record a point a for a month. He represented everything the Flyers were last year during the regular season; talented, yet misguided and unmotivated, without that needed knack for winning hockey games. But as is well documented, one shoot out and an incredible playoff run changed all of that for the Flyers and Giroux, who went on to score 21 points in 23 games.

Through the first month of the season this kid has continued to be an absolute beast. He's been scoring at a point per game pace and making Top Ten plays a night (if only Sportscenter paid as much attention to the NHL as the exquisite past time of automobile racing). Hockey Analyst Keith Jones has even gone as far as comparing him to former flyer, the great Peter Forsberg--yes, "the great" is an essential title to his name. But it's not just his jaw-dropping moves, he has become a complete hockey player. He leads the NHL in short handers' and is tied for the lead in game winning goals with three. Not to mention his superb defensive play and unreal ability to hold on to the puck. But we knew that from Game 7 against Boston last year.

My point? While G is the most obvious success this year, his transformation has become a metaphor for the entire team. Since a tough 2-1 loss to the Blue Jackets on October 25th, every skater has found their role on the team and contributed (With the exception of Jeff Carter, but ill blame that on the his shitty blonde hair this year). Richards is and has been a leader and dominant at both ends of the ice, Hartnell is still falling down every two minutes but is contributing, the defense has been as awesome as predicted and continues to roll out quality shifts consistently, and fourth liners like Darrel Powe, Andres Nodl and newcomer KyleWellwood have all played so well they have earned time among the top-6. Plus a guy named Bob is making an extremely strong case to become the goalie of the future, making everyone in South Philadelphia remember someone named Bernie. Depth and talent on Offense and defense, grit, solid goaltending and team play are all needed for success in the NHL and the Bullies have all of it.

Of course a 6 game winning streak in early November can make any team look like a cup contender, but even after a sunday afternoon loss to the Capitals, im still feeling positive. Just as long as i dont have to wait till a shootout in game 82, ill be happy.

In other news lolz @ cowboys.

phuck americas team, love philly

Reid Timmer

Weekend Recap

THIS JUST IN: The Cowboys aka Jerry Jones just fired Wade Phillips, probably because the Cowgirls are THIS BAD

The Flyers' 6 game win streak ended yesterday, a 3-2 OT loss to the Caps in Washington. Still impressive, as we beat the Islanders Saturday and have looked real good recently. By the way apparently the Caps fans call the Verizon Center the "Phone Booth." That's retarded. They don't call the Wells Fargo Center "The ATM." Next thing you know, those Yinnsers in Shittsburgh are gonna rename the Consol Energy Center as the "Electric Bill."

Vick and D-Jack came back from injury, and the defense held off Peyton Manning just enough to get a solid 26-24 victory at the Linc on Sunday. Offense looked explosive, but overall there were too many damned penalties. Some were called on third down, ending drives. Others negated great punt returns by DeSean and called back touchdowns. Not to mention that "blow to the head" on Peyton in the 4th quarter.

The Sixers got a win against the Knicks at MSG this weekend, with Elton Brand turning in 20 points, and Lou Williams and Jrue Holliday adding 19 each.

Jamie Moyer may have suffered a career ending injury while pitching winter ball in the Dominican Republic. It's on his throwing elbow, and looks like he won't be coming back this time. It's a sad day for Phils Phans, and I just want to add that I love J-Moy and everything he's done for this team. AND I have his autograph, which'll be worth a fortune one day. And THIS PLAY.

In non Philly news, Zenyatta did not win the Breeders' Cup, though it was a great race and she clearly is a great horse and will go down in history as one of the greatest fillies of all time.

PHUCK EVERYTHING, LOVE PHILLY

-S

Sports Reporting: Or the Search for Someone With a Brain

There are only two things as dumb as your average sports center anchor: Barney Gumble and my cat whose main source of entertainment is chasing his tail all day.

Now it’s probably not fair to be so cruel to the sports media- after all, they represent the most laid back form of journalism- however they just make it way too easy. I mean with names like Hannah Storm, Skip Bayless and Scott Van Pelt, I’m not sure if they're superheroes, porn stars, or anchors. Apparently it’s a thin line. The only analysts with normal names are the former players whose main issue is squeezing those extra fifty pounds they gained after retirement into their Versace suits. Their fight to remain relevant is more painful to watch an awkward sportsnation skit..

I understand the masculine aspect of sports, but the in-your-face epicness of the Sportscenter intro is WAY too much. It’s like a rocket ship of technology just burst through my TV screen with the movie phone guy yelling about last nights Pirates game. You don’t need to hype the highlight you’ve already shown 50 times. It’s too early. Tone it down a notch.

I cant limit my disdain to anchors and analysts. No, the announcers of the games need some attention as well. Do you ever wonder if they’re even paying attention to the game? It could be the seventh game of the World Series and they’ll be casually talking about last night’s buffet.

“Bottom of the ninth… Two outs… So Eric did you get a chance to try that bean dip earlier? FANTASTIC.”

Even if they are taking the time out of their busy schedules to talk about the game, their insight would make your grandmother cringe. “If he gets the puck to go in the net, he will eventually start scoring goals.” No shit Sherlock, I hope your enjoying your $50,000 paycheck. Not to mention they always sound like they’ve been drinking all day. If anyone has ever heard Gary “the Sarge” Matthews call a Phillies game, you know what I mean.

“Are you sure you need that third white Russian Sarge? Its only the second inning…”

But honestly nothing compares with the awkwardness of a 500 pound football coach stopping for an interview with a beautiful 20 year old blonde. It’s like watching your dad walk into a club and trying to hit on Paris Hilton. “yeah the offense was great in the first half… baby.” You couldn’t cut the awkwardness with a chainsaw.

Sadly, the only people in the sports media who actually have talent are the beat writers and columnists. But ironically their only camera time comes in news conferences when the camera is fixated on the star player. They’re lucky to get the back of their bald heads on screen for a millisecond. Then the only quotes they get are cookie-cutter clichés that I swear athletes and coaches alike memorize. I’m waiting for the day a columnist jumps over the podium and attacks Andy Reid.

“I DON’T CARE THAT YOU GUYS GAVE IT YOUR BEST EFFORT. PLEASE SAY SOMETHING ELSE!”

Maybe I was a bit unfair. My cat probably couldn’t give you the rundown of last night’s baseball scores. But I do know that he has never made a fool of himself on national television.

If only Scott Van Pelt could say as much.

Tinny Tan Johnson

Sixers WON!!, Flyers Streaking, Sims Fined, Moss Claimed

Lot's changed.

First off, your Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers won their first game of the season, a decisive 101-75 victory over the Pacers. Though no good news for the Sixers comes without a dark lining: Coach Dough Collins left the bench during the game with "vertigo" symptoms. Yes, vertigo.

In the same building, our Flyers are putting together an impressive 4 game winning streak. Giroux has been doing something amazing every shift, and new guy Eric Wellwood looks promising. Also Bob is solid in goal, next game is Thursday night at 7 against the Rangers.

Eagles linebacker Ernie Sims was fined $50G's for hitting Titans WR Lavelle Hawkins. We can't really argue it, cause he's been fined twice before, but that's the first big fine since they announced the new policy a few weeks ago. Of course it's Philly that gets too rough first.

The Tennessee Titans claimed WR Randy Moss, which is probably a good idea seeing as Kenny Brit is hurt, and he FUCKED us up when we played them. This could turn out being real positive for the Titans, but you know Randy's gonna do something crazy, like call Kerry Collins a cracker.

By the way, since the Phightins are done, we've switched to a Flyers-themed backgrounds. Opinions and debates please proceed to the comments.

PHUCK VERTIGO, LOVE PHILLY

-SM

Randy Moss, Packers, and Philly Shiznit

Randy Moss was cut from the Viking's today after a loss against the Patriot's. He fucking gave up on a play that could have been a touchdown. Favre got hit hard the next play and was injured. I get that a penalty was being called but it was right there. Just catch the ball and don't be a bitch. Nice post-game conference too. He needs to get beat the hell up. Just once. Fucking idiot!

I really still can't believe this shit! He's the biggest head case in the NFL. Bigger than T.Ocho. I don't know why the Titans picked him up. Oh yeah, because Chris Johnson, who has the biggest ego of all Running Backs wanted him. He's a plague, Moss I mean. He didn't work in Oakland, or New England, or Minnesota. He made a catering company, who went out of their way to feed the players, feel like total assholes. I don't like Brad Childress but he made the right move. Players like that don't deserve to be on a team. I hope he eats shit down in Tennessee. I have the utmost respect for Jeff Fisher but I think he made a bad move. All Randy does is complain.

On a lighter note the Packers shut out the Jets. That felt pretty good. Everyone's tongue was three inches deep in the asshole til then. Marc Sanchez- overrated. Darelle Revis- more of a peninsula now than an island. Just throw it down field and you can beat him. The Pack's offense didn't look terrific, but hell the winds were terrible. We got the Cowboys this week. I hope we romp them. I'm predicting 31-10. A-Rod I need some TD's this week. I know this is a Philly blog so I'll say a few things about our teams.

Jayson Werth is not worth it. Supposedly the Phils offered him a four year $66 Million dollar contract and he laughed at them. Scott Boras is his agent so right there you gotta know he's a butthole. I love the guy, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be down with Brown. Werth if you go to the Yankees I won't respect you. At all. But hey you probably will.

The Flyers. What can I say. They have a league leading 17 points. Giroux is a god damn beast. Zherdev is looking like a star in the making. Briere is coming off his suspension. Pronger and Timonen look stout. Bobrovsky looks like a franchise goaltender. Let's keep this going. We got the Capitals this week. Let's show em were still the best in the east.

The Eagles are coming off their bye. Jackson might be back. He's wearing a safer helmet (why doesn't everyone?). Vick is back starting- hopefully in the form he left. My only question is their D. Kenny Britt and Kerry Collins made them look like a joke. Asante could you please try to make a tackle? Just one? For me?

Oh yeah! I play phuckyoulovephilly's own Mr. Martelli in fantasy this week. That five game win streak is over. I beat up on Tim last week and I'm gonna do the same to you. Hopefully...



Phuck Touchdowns, Love Philly

Jorgen

Briere Suspended, Not Participating in the World Series Sucks

I'm sure you all had quite a weekend. I know we here at PYLP did.

Here's some notes from the weekend:

Danny Briere just got suspended for three games by the NHL for that crosscheck at the end of the Islanders game. Reminds me of a quote in "Remember the Titans," where the opposing coach wants roughing called, to which the ref responds "Roughing? on the Quarterback?" Danny B will miss games versus the Carolina, and the 2 NY teams. So nothing too rough, but I guess that's one downside to being known as the Bullies.
By the way, Rick DiPietro. I respected you way more when you didn't wear pink. I bet he likes his purse right in the five hole.

And with the World Series going on, might I add this sucks. Hearing about two teams I don't care about makes it terrible, especially with the Giants one win away. The one upside is when we lose in semifinal type situation, I usually prefer that team to win, so we can say we lost to the team that eventually won the finals, or something like that (I hate sounding like I'm patronizing those fuckers).

I had an appointment at 10am this morning, and one of the first things the lady said was "Looks like it's one of those Monday mornings for you" Fuck bitches

That's it for now.

FUCK MONDAYS, LOVE PHILLY

-Seansy