Sports Reporting: Or the Search for Someone With a Brain

There are only two things as dumb as your average sports center anchor: Barney Gumble and my cat whose main source of entertainment is chasing his tail all day.

Now it’s probably not fair to be so cruel to the sports media- after all, they represent the most laid back form of journalism- however they just make it way too easy. I mean with names like Hannah Storm, Skip Bayless and Scott Van Pelt, I’m not sure if they're superheroes, porn stars, or anchors. Apparently it’s a thin line. The only analysts with normal names are the former players whose main issue is squeezing those extra fifty pounds they gained after retirement into their Versace suits. Their fight to remain relevant is more painful to watch an awkward sportsnation skit..

I understand the masculine aspect of sports, but the in-your-face epicness of the Sportscenter intro is WAY too much. It’s like a rocket ship of technology just burst through my TV screen with the movie phone guy yelling about last nights Pirates game. You don’t need to hype the highlight you’ve already shown 50 times. It’s too early. Tone it down a notch.

I cant limit my disdain to anchors and analysts. No, the announcers of the games need some attention as well. Do you ever wonder if they’re even paying attention to the game? It could be the seventh game of the World Series and they’ll be casually talking about last night’s buffet.

“Bottom of the ninth… Two outs… So Eric did you get a chance to try that bean dip earlier? FANTASTIC.”

Even if they are taking the time out of their busy schedules to talk about the game, their insight would make your grandmother cringe. “If he gets the puck to go in the net, he will eventually start scoring goals.” No shit Sherlock, I hope your enjoying your $50,000 paycheck. Not to mention they always sound like they’ve been drinking all day. If anyone has ever heard Gary “the Sarge” Matthews call a Phillies game, you know what I mean.

“Are you sure you need that third white Russian Sarge? Its only the second inning…”

But honestly nothing compares with the awkwardness of a 500 pound football coach stopping for an interview with a beautiful 20 year old blonde. It’s like watching your dad walk into a club and trying to hit on Paris Hilton. “yeah the offense was great in the first half… baby.” You couldn’t cut the awkwardness with a chainsaw.

Sadly, the only people in the sports media who actually have talent are the beat writers and columnists. But ironically their only camera time comes in news conferences when the camera is fixated on the star player. They’re lucky to get the back of their bald heads on screen for a millisecond. Then the only quotes they get are cookie-cutter clichés that I swear athletes and coaches alike memorize. I’m waiting for the day a columnist jumps over the podium and attacks Andy Reid.

“I DON’T CARE THAT YOU GUYS GAVE IT YOUR BEST EFFORT. PLEASE SAY SOMETHING ELSE!”

Maybe I was a bit unfair. My cat probably couldn’t give you the rundown of last night’s baseball scores. But I do know that he has never made a fool of himself on national television.

If only Scott Van Pelt could say as much.

Tinny Tan Johnson