· Lets just say ten shots of tequila and a case of Schlitz is never a good way to celebrate the first day of Free Agency
· The cheesesteaks were going straight to his thighs.
· Wanted to thank Obama for giving him and his $126 million salary a tax cut.
· Now when he’s playing leftfield he doesn’t have to deal with all those annoying fans talking and cheering the whole time.
· The whole playing games all the way through October was becoming a pain in the ass. It’s just way too cold.
· Accidently took the Broad Street line all the way to Erie and saw North Philadelphia for the first time.
· He had spent four years desperately trying to understand what bumbling Charlie Manuel was saying and just gave up.
· Was sick of being on a team where he was just as good as a short, chubby, Panamanian who can barely speak English.
· The Political scene was just too corrupt for him here.
· Hell, if Pat Burrell can leave and win a World Series anyone can.
· Had no idea it was Phillies fans that were cheering him whenever they were playing in D.C.
· After winning his second Cy Young Roy Halladay picked up batting and was slowly becoming a better hitter than he was.
· No one has had facial hair that epic in Washington since William Taft.
· Donovan McNabb was getting lonely.
· Fear of the Kensington strangler was becoming too much for him
· $126 million can buy a lot of cars, women and cable packages to watch the Phillies in the playoffs for the next seven years.
-Tin Johnson
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