An absurd look at technology in sports

Fuck smart phones. I mean I see the appeal, the usefulness, and the convenience. But you don't need to post a photo to Facebook of everything you do. Some blurry photo of stage lights and a crowd of other people holding up their cell phones with the caption "WIz Kalifa concerttttttttttttt" is not necessary. Nobody likes Wiz Khalifa, and nobody likes you. And don't even get me started on extraaaaa letterssss at the endddd of the wordddddddddddd.

But smart phones could be so much bossier if they had more sports capabilities. Right now, you can basically get live scores and updates, even watch the television/listen to the radio broadcast live. Stats, interviews, analysis, yada yada yada. I thought these phones were supposed to be smart. So far, they've given me nothing that Amy Fadool and Michael Barkan can't. Plus, they do it with such finesse and style, I get chat roulette chubs when I watch Daily News Live or SportsNite.

(Sidenote: The Sixers' newish sideline reporter, Meredith Marakovits, is pretty cute. But I think she's like 6'4", cause when she interviews people she towers over them.)

So I've come up with some new sports apps that blow ESPN's pussy shit outta the water. Yeah, some of these are impossible, illegal, and probably immoral. But when have any of those three words gotten in the way of a true Philadelphia sports fan.

1. Virtual Boo/Cheer

I love screaming at my television. Nothing is better than waving goodbye to the opponent's fans as they hit the aisles after an empty netter, or calling the pitcher a bitch after we go yard on him. My father is the best at it. The minute the other team's running back gets the hand-off, screams of "KILL HIM" fill our living room. So basically, when your team is at home, you scream into your phone, joining the Phanatics in a chorus of boos, "CROSBY SUCKS" chants, or singing "High Hopes" after a victory. It's definitely illegal to pump in artificial crowd noise, but maybe if they paid for the app it would be a different story. Probably not.

2. Reid the Play

Everyone knows Andy Reid isn't the best play caller in the world. Especially on third/fourth and short, on the last drive, or pretty much any other time ever. So what if we voted on this app for a play for him to call. At least suggest something LOGICAL. Or he could just keep trying that slant over the middle to Brent Celek in triple coverage, either one.

3. The Sin Bin

I love the theory of the penalty box. Break the rules, and you have to sit in a closet for two/four/five minutes. You can't move much, there's noone to talk to except some old dude, and you have to watch as the other team tires your linemates and gets easy scoring chances. All because you misbehaved. So why not take the punishment a step further? Send written messages to the player through your phone, and they have to read them while they serve the penalty. There'd be no way to force them to read the messages, unless you put screens over the glass and surround them with hate mail. Fahrenheit 451 style.

I still love my Envy 2 so fuck smart phones. I got a full keyboard mother fucker. And a calculator.

Sean